How can I say hello
When so much has changed?
How can I still smile
When I’m not that girl anymore?
Time has left lines
Along my face, eyes that were full
If hope are dimmed
And lost beneath weariness.
A faltering twitch of lips
Is all that remains of happiness.
I’d give anything to laugh riotously
Again, anything to love
Freely and without fear.
I wish that girl,
The one I used to be,
But she’s not and I am alone.
I can’t even pick up the phone
To say hello now.
Where has she gone?
Where have I gone?
A chestnut mane,
Glossy and full.
Eyes that shine bright
With a love that’s bountiful.
A smile that’s got crooked
Teeth, perfect in its imperfections.
Eye brows that are wayward
And unruly, just like her
She may not be your cup of tea,
But seeing as I am me
I don’t care how you take your tea.
This is me.
I caught a glimpse
Of you the other day,
Something in the smile
That dimpled my cheeks,
A flash of bright green
In usually dull eyes.
I saw you, the woman
I could be and I thought
You were beautiful.
Is that vain? To see
The beginnings of beauty
That only time and age
Can bestow in your own face?
So, over the past year I have been on the most enormous journey and have discovered so much about myself. ‘How?’ I hear you cry. I can’t say that it has been a beautiful experience, I didn’t travel (well not very far physically, but made huge strides mentally) nor see any deeply spiritual sights. No. I’ve learnt all by a mistake I made, a clichéd saying but it is true none the less.
I decided in December 2014 that I should like to attend university in Oxford, and I was excited at the prospect; a whole new chance, new life, new me. So I set off in September 2015 after having gained my place, and it was THE worst time of my life, and believe me I’ve been through some shit (as have we all, I’m just trying to put it into perspective). I realised that I wasn’t ready to be someone new, I didn’t want a new life, turns out my belief that my life was rubbish was based on what I thought other people liked/disliked. In short I was petty and manipulated by the opinions of others. I was home by October 2015 and enrolled at the University of Chichester, and I haven’t looked back since.
I travel to and from university every day, I live at home with my family. My friends have scattered to the winds, well some of them have, and the others I just don’t see very often. My travelling, my commuting and new interactions have led me to see everything in a brand new way, and that is magical. It has truly been a tumultuous journey, things have gone in the exact opposite way to what I planned, but I am happy and that’s all that matters.
Here’s just a few things I’ve learnt about myself and how it came to pass:
- I am very much happy single- To cut a long story short a guy tried to chat me up and I realised that I didn’t want or need anybody to be happy because I already am happy.
- I no longer care if I become a spinster- You know what, I don’t know if I’ll ever be certain enough or trustful of any other human to enter a sexual/romantic relationship. There, I said it. Some people are just meant to be alone, not all of them are rejected, some choose it.
- I will never be beautiful- I am not, nor will I ever be a cool, calm and collected woman, you know, the sort that stand at train stations with vintage coats, impeccable hair and makeup, manicured nails and a touch-me-not expression plastered on their face. No, I’ll be the wind-swept figure who looks slightly crazy.
- I have a mind capable of so much- No I am not vain or cocky, everyone is capable of however much it is they want to achieve. I refer more to the fact that the module I struggled most with in semester one at uni I passed with flying colours, I got an ‘A’.
- I will never be a drinker or ‘typical’ student- Tried it once, was uncomfortable, definitely an introvert and hangovers are HELL. I’d rather spend Friday and Saturday nights tucked up with a book or having coffee with friends, not out getting smashed.
- My friends are all incredibly special- They are all capable of seeing so much more than is there, they can see inside a person. Without them I’d never have reached this stage of certainty within myself. I owe them everything.
- I am bookish- No surprise there, in fact I quite like it.
- I have a serious complex about needing to please people- But don’t worry, it’s something I’m working on fixing. I always felt the need to please my teachers all the way until uni…maybe that’s why I had so many crushes on them? Who knows, it’s just a part of who I am. I thrive on others happiness and am driven by their expectations, again I’m working on this.
- There are more but I won’t bother telling you because actually they’re boring.
If ten years ago, or even just two years ago you told me I would be aware of who I was I’d have laughed at you. I had no confidence, I relied heavily on my friends, I moved from crush to crush hoping to please people to get away from the fact that I didn’t know myself. Not anymore. I have become everything I once despised: a home-bird, I like to stick close to the nest but somehow it doesn’t repulse me now. I have finally become me.
The summer sun sits proudly in the sky
Shining bright all the day, setting
In splendour every night. Then when the
Fire of the summer starts to burn, when the
Moon starts to take her place above the
Earth we turn to each other, we talk and
Talk and talk.
We are the best of friends by day, idly
Spending the hours of golden love with
Those who we adore, showering them with
Our love that continues to pour, never
Shall we or they want for love
Then at night when the sun beams stop sending
Their love we retire to our hearts and minds,
Where the love is kindled by something deeper
Than lust, the friendship that left us defenseless
Against the unstoppable force of love.
Summer Lovin’, who ever could think that it’s